I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
