Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
