Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
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