I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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