She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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