my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm just crazy horny about you
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
