Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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