I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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