if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
being pregnant is like rehab
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
