Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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