Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
