You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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