atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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