thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
