I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
