Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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