you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
