Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
