I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
