apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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