He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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