Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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