my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
