He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Randomize
