meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
My breath smells like gin and sadness
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
