You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
