it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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