I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
organizing the empties. That sober.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
