What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
