At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
