He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
