Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
