what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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