take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
