my phone needs a breathalizer
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
