She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
