I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Randomize
