Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
