Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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