please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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