It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
