i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
