His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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