is your mom at the bar?
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
