so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
