Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
