remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
I'm really busy with my period
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