my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
