Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
