So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
