My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Hippo gnu deer
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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